I’ve already mentioned my emotional meltdown on Sunday. Mondays are my therapy sessions and I tried to explain my meltdown and figure out what was really going on. I’m exhausted. It’s exhausting having to worry about everyone else. It’s exhausting waking up and going to a job you are unhappy being at. It’s exhausting having to feel guilt for other people’s actions. It’s completely exhausting having to put my happiness aside for guilt of leaving my family.
To make a long story short, I feel the guilt of leaving my dad’s business because no one else will take my place. It kills me that my brothers are fuck-ups and they don’t even know it. I’m not sure what’s worse, now that I think about it. Being aware and still making bad decisions or being ignorant. I’ve always been aware, but I also have always had my shit together somehow. And till this day, been the only one maintaining. And yet still, I never feel like it’s good enough. Never been praised for it and it’s all been completely unfulfilling. This may be the reason I’m always trying to learn different things. Do different things, because nothing is fulfilling. And now I’m 30 and lost.
I want to get away and I can’t. It’s the most frustrating thing seeing/feeling/smelling/hearing opportunities, yet can’t experience them. It’s like being stuck in a room, seeing the exit and you just can’t walk out of it. It’s easier said than done. Just leave. Your dad won’t be mad. He’ll still be proud of you. But having to live with that kind of guilt makes me stay. I just can’t do it. But I yearn for it every. single. day.
It eats me up inside.
I don’t know who I am and the longer I stay here, the further I get from figuring that out.