I’ve recently switched gears and got a new job in a completely different industry – electronics. Not to say I’m not grateful for the opportunity for a stable job with decent pay, but I’ve been feeling rather unaccomplished lately and can’t seem to shake it.

Every day I think about how boring my day will be. And I hate to say that I hate my job, but I have no other words for it. I thought I was taking an opportunity to further my career, to gain something that would eventually lead me into a higher position with greater pay. Alas, I was/am disappointed. I started July 1st and I used to tell myself it’s getting better, but it wasn’t and hasn’t and I won’t know if it ever will be.

It’s not the type of hate that people mention when they are swamped, etc. It’s the complete opposite which has me feeling completely unbalanced. I feel like i’m wasting my time by being at a position where I’m not utilizing my skills. I’m not learning anything new, in my mind, that would be beneficial to furthering my career.

I sound ungrateful. People would love to have this job.

I’ve had a bad track record with things like this – making bad decisions, wasting time, etc. Is this any different? On the positive side, I’ve gotten myself out from underneath my dad’s financial responsibilities by no longer working for him. But now, it’s not just another job in my adolescence where I need the money for shits and giggles. I truly want to become something more than this. And THIS is standing in the way. And all over again I feel like I’ve made the wrong decision.

Is it too early to jump ship?

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How To Ruin Your Life (Without Even Noticing That You Are)

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by Bianca Sparacino

Understand that life is not a straight line. Life is not a set timeline of milestones. It is okay if you don’t finish school, get married, find a job that supports you, have a family, make money, and live comfortably all by this age, or that age. It’s okay if you do, as long as you understand that if you’re not married by 25, or a Vice President by 30 — or even happy, for that matter — the world isn’t going to condemn you. You are allowed to backtrack. You are allowed to figure out what inspires you. You are allowed time, and I think we often forget that. We choose a program right out of high school because the proper thing to do is to go straight to University. We choose a job right out of University, even if we didn’t love our program, because we just invested time into it. We go to that job every morning because we feel the need to support ourselves abundantly. We take the next step, and the next step, and the next step, thinking that we are fulfilling some checklist for life, and one day we wake up depressed. We wake up stressed out. We feel pressured and don’t know why. That is how you ruin your life.

You ruin your life by choosing the wrong person. What is it with our need to fast-track relationships? Why are we so enamored with the idea of first becoming somebody’s rather than somebodies? Trust me when I say that a love bred out of convenience, a love that blossoms from the need to sleep beside someone, a love that caters to our need for attention rather than passion, is a love that will not inspire you at 6am when you roll over and embrace it. Strive to discover foundational love, the kind of relationship that motivates you to be a better man or woman, the kind of intimacy that is rare rather than right there. “But I don’t want to be alone,” we often exclaim. Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself. Wait for it. Please, I urge you to wait for it, to fight for it, to make an effort for it if you have already found it, because it is the most beautiful thing your heart will experience.

You ruin your life by letting your past govern it. It is common for certain things in life to happen to you. There will be heartbreak, confusion, days where you feel like you aren’t special or purposeful. There are moments that will stay with you, words that will stick. You cannot let these define you – they were simply moments, they were simply words. If you allow for every negative event in your life to outline how you view yourself, you will view the world around you negatively. You will miss out on opportunities because you didn’t get that promotion five years ago, convincing yourself that you were stupid. You will miss out on affection because you assumed your past love left you because you weren’t good enough, and now you don’t believe the man or the woman who urges you to believe you are. This is a cyclic, self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don’t allow yourself to move past what happened, what was said, what was felt, you will look at your future with that lens, and nothing will be able to breach that judgment. You will keep on justifying, reliving, and fueling a perception that shouldn’t have existed in the first place.

You ruin your life when you compare yourself to others. The amount of Instagram followers you have does not decrease or increase your value. The amount of money in your bank account will not influence your compassion, your intelligence, or your happiness. The person who has two times more possessions than you does not have double the bliss, or double the merit. We get caught up in what our friends are liking, who our significant others are following, and at the end of the day this not only ruins our lives, but it also ruins us. It creates within us this need to feel important, and in many cases we often put others down to achieve that.

You ruin your life by desensitizing yourself. We are all afraid to say too much, to feel too deeply, to let people know what they mean to us. Caring is not synonymous with crazy. Expressing to someone how special they are to you will make you vulnerable. There is no denying that. However, that is nothing to be ashamed of. There is something breathtakingly beautiful in the moments of smaller magic that occur when you strip down and are honest with those who are important to you. Let that girl know that she inspires you. Tell your mother you love her in front of your friends. Express, express, express. Open yourself up, do not harden yourself to the world, and be bold in who, and how, you love. There is courage in that.

You ruin your life by tolerating it. At the end of the day you should be excited to be alive. When you settle for anything less than what you innately desire, you destroy the possibility that lives inside of you, and in that way you cheat both yourself and the world of your potential. The next Michelangelo could be sitting behind a Macbook right now writing an invoice for paperclips, because it pays the bills, or because it is comfortable, or because he can tolerate it. Do not let this happen to you. Do not ruin your life this way. Life and work, and life and love, are not irrespective of each other. They are intrinsically linked. We have to strive to do extraordinary work, we have to strive to find extraordinary love. Only then will we tap into an extraordinarily blissful life.

source: http://thoughtcatalog.com/bianca-sparacino/2014/11/how-to-ruin-your-life-without-even-noticing-that-you-are/

Depression & Robin Williams

RIP Robin Williams…” airman, a doctor, a genie, a nanny, a president, a professor, a bangarang Peter Pan, and everything in between. But he was one of a kind. He arrived in our lives as an alien – but he ended up touching every element of the human spirit.” – President Obama

5 Types Of Women Who Aren’t In Relationships And Why

The woman who wants a relationship but just can’t find the right person to have one with

Call her picky, call her superficial, but the various titles you give to this girl don’t change the fact that she hasn’t found “the one.” Chances are she has come across the guy or girl who she so desperately wants a relationship to work with, but she just can’t make it happen. It might be a lack of “spark.” It might be a “just friends” type of vibe. Or maybe she is a superficial, picky bitch who only likes men with six packs. Whatever the reason is, sometimes if a girl hasn’t had many relationships, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t like them or doesn’t want one. She just doesn’t like the prospective men or women she could have one with, or they don’t like her in return. Whether it is her or the prospects, the puzzle pieces just haven’t matched up yet.

The woman who everyone else wants a relationship with

She’s drop dead-gorgeous and everyone knows it, and hey she’s even got a brain to match. No matter how many things those long legs and enchanting eyes have gotten her in life, they haven’t gotten her a serious relationship. Maybe she has had a couple boyfriends here and there. Most likely plenty of hook-ups because she immediately grabs people’s attention, but in terms of monogamy with actual meaning and future promise it just hasn’t happened. This could be because others just aren’t sure how to handle her. Guys and girls either pretend to not be to attached to “play it cool” or they smother her because they don’t want her to be with anyone else. Either way, that girl that every other person on the planet wants a relationship with doesn’t necessarily always have relationships.

The woman who loves her single lifestyle

We can all admit that a little alone time is nice. But some girls just like having it more often than others. No one wants that naggy boyfriend or girlfriend that is attached to your hip 24/7. We already have four limbs and we don’t need anymore. So sometimes if a girl doesn’t do relationships its just because she likes her own space and doesn’t need someone else in it all of the time. And if its not the alone time she loves about her single lifestyle, it’s the absence of monogamy. Monogamy is just too much for her to handle. In her mind: the more the merrier. She doesn’t feel the need to settle on just one person, and clearly she hasn’t.

The woman who puts career first

All work and no play for this girl. She loves her job, and she has fun doing it. The fulfillment other people receive from a relationship, she receives from pursuing her career. This is a woman on the move and a relationship just isn’t written in her daily planner.

The woman who has no more love to give

She is familiar with heartbreak, and it has definitely left a scar, or two, or three. She has invested a lot of time and love into previous relationships, and none of them have worked out. Even worse, maybe few of them have ended well. This girl just really needs to be alone and can’t handle even the thought of attempting another relationship. Her love tank is empty, and her relationship status is single.

source: http://thoughtcatalog.com/nicole-tarkoff/2014/07/5-types-of-women-who-arent-in-relationships-and-why/

by Nicole Tarkoff

18 Struggles Of Having An Outgoing Personality But Actually Being Shy And Introverted

How bizarre! Just scrolling through my FB feed and ThoughtCatalog posted this article and it’s something I’ve been thinking about myself lately….

1. You’re not anti-social, you’re selectively social.

2. At any given point, you have one (maybe two) best friends who are your entire life. You’re not a “group of friends” person. You can’t keep up with all that.

3. Social gatherings that are supposed to be “rites of passage” like prom and dances and other such typical nonsense is just… not for you. You don’t understand it. You want nothing to do with it.

4. When you do choose to grace a party with your presence, you are the life of it. You’re dancing on the table and doing body shots until 3 a.m.

5. … You then retreat into three days of complete solitude to recover.

6. You go out of your way to avoid people, but when you inevitably have to interact with them, you make it seem like there’s nothing in the world you’d rather be doing.

7. Dating is weird, because you’re smiling and laughing and talkative at dinner, and then you don’t want to answer their texts for four days, because like, you just want to be left alone…

8. You’re accused of being flirty with everybody, which is hilarious, because in reality, you can only tolerate like four people.

9. You retain an air of mysteriousness about you, completely unintentionally. (There’s no mystery. You just feel no need to update the social sphere on what’s going on in your life every two hours.)

10. Not to mention the fact that you either have days in which you’re tweeting and status updating every five minutes… or you delete your accounts for a month.

11. You become unintentionally awkward because you at once feel the need to be a social life jacket for other people, though you’re just as uncomfortable yourself.

12. You’ve never really understood the whole “introvert vs. extrovert” dichotomy (can we call it that?) Because you’re… both…

13. You’re always thrown into the ringer because people think you’re best suited to be the one who gives the presentation, confronts the boss, gives the speech, etc. Meanwhile, you’re practically throwing up over the thought of it.

14. You ebb and flow between wanting to be noticed for your hard work, reveling in the attention and achievement you receive, to sinking and panicking over the thought of somebody else paying more than 30 seconds of attention to you.

15. The entirety of your being is a conundrum, so needless to say, indecisiveness is your Achilles’ Heel.

16. You’re at your happiest in places like coffee shops and cafés: surrounded by people, but still closed off and keeping to yourself.

17. You prefer to travel alone, but meet up with people once you’re there.

18. It’s taken you years to figure out that you’re shy. Literal years. And when you tell people, even your closest family members, that you’re “actually just shy” they pause, and then their eyes go big, and they go: “Oh my god you so are.”

source: http://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2014/07/18-struggles-of-having-an-outgoing-personality-but-actually-being-shy-and-introverted/

How to Feel Better

I don’t know why/how, but Anna Akana just seems to be tapping into my moods lately.  It’s like she takes what I’m feeling and translates it into something helpful. Not sure if I can clearly explain it. But here’s an example from this vid – going off the grid/disconnecting from technology. Today(before I saw this vid), I went on a solo excursion to Moss Landing, CA and went whale watching. I have so much footage and can’t wait to compile them and throw them up on my blog. Stay tuned.

Anyways, it felt good to wake up early, not wait for anyone, have an hour drive to the ocean. And 4 incredible, off the grid, hours of whale watching with hardly any downtime. No worrying about emails/texts/phone calls/life.  It was beyond belief. And then I went and caught a flick by myself, came home and saw this video and thought, how bizarre!

Thank you, fate/universe/higher being/luck/coincidence for aligning Anna’s vids to my life.

Failure

The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can’t pretend we haven’t been told. We’ve all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day.

Still, sometimes, we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug, until we can’t anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves, what Benjamin Franklin meant:

That knowing, is better than wondering. That waking, is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistake, beats the hell out of never trying. — Grey’s Anatomy

Who am I?

I’ve already mentioned my emotional meltdown on Sunday. Mondays are my therapy sessions and I tried to explain my meltdown and figure out what was really going on. I’m exhausted. It’s exhausting having to worry about everyone else. It’s exhausting waking up and going to a job you are unhappy being at. It’s exhausting having to feel guilt for other people’s actions. It’s completely exhausting having to put my happiness aside for guilt of leaving my family.

To make a long story short, I feel the guilt of leaving my dad’s business because no one else will take my place. It kills me that my brothers are fuck-ups and they don’t even know it. I’m not sure what’s worse, now that I think about it. Being aware and still making bad decisions or being ignorant. I’ve always been aware, but I also have always had my shit together somehow. And till this day, been the only one maintaining. And yet still, I never feel like it’s good enough. Never been praised for it and it’s all been completely unfulfilling. This may be the reason I’m always trying to learn different things. Do different things, because nothing is fulfilling. And now I’m 30 and lost.

I want to get away and I can’t. It’s the most frustrating thing seeing/feeling/smelling/hearing opportunities, yet can’t experience them. It’s like being stuck in a room, seeing the exit and you just can’t walk out of it. It’s easier said than done. Just leave. Your dad won’t be mad. He’ll still be proud of you. But having to live with that kind of guilt makes me stay. I just can’t do it. But I yearn for it every. single. day.

It eats me up inside.

I’m depressed.

I’m unhappy.

I’m moody.

I don’t know who I am and the longer I stay here, the further I get from figuring that out.

I’m lost.